Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
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I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
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Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
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