i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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