i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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