I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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