Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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