his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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