I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
