my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
