I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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