I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
