somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
