girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
