i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
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Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
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I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
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