Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
