So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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