Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
