Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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