If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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