remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
i believe in u and ur pee
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
