the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
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Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
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Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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