We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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