yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
