i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
