This dress was meant to end up on your floor
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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