yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
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