Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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