we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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