Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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