my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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