She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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