I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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