Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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