We won't sleep together?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
