I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
