This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
BRING THE BAGELS
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
