My friends, they love my intelligence
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
