and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
