tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker