Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
