I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
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martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
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I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time