Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
