if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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