ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
