Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
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The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
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I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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