We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
