I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
We are all done wearing pants today
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
