woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
