god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
