I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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