How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
