I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
