I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Randomize
