BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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