Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
