Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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