The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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