i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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