He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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