I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Randomize
