Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
